" I'm bleeding into my brain, every available cavity in my skull is pooling with blood, so much so that my brain shifts over to one side of my head from the pressure.. (that's what the docs told me, anyway).. I start to know I'm within the grasp of bodily death. I feel as if I'm clicking in & out of the severe ice-cream-headache pain & into some other container of my consciousness. It felt more like a 'feeling-being' than a 'physical being'. I can also recall moments of Holly's worried voice as she checked on me while piloting the car to the hospital & some glimpses I caught through the windshield when I clicked into my pain riddled body. When I clicked out of the body pain, another part of consciousness flowed through my space & time experience.

 N  I describe the other state as the ever present witnessing / knowing part of the self... That 'watcher' part of you that knows, not by mind or intellect, but by a certainty of feeling that has no circumstantial equivalent in our day to day waking life. This part of my experience had somehow foresaw what it was that was happening to me & what was to come. I knew that I was either going to die or be some kind of vegetable, or be at least partially paralyzed, severely cognitively impaired, blind, or something that would be the logical result of a person who suffers brain damage. I don't know how I knew that what was occurring was something that was destroying my gray matter, but I did.

    It was like I foresaw the fact that I was going to have brain surgery, but not knowing whether I would survive it. Simultaneously, I also somehow knew that I was going to face a long, strenuous rehab. I can't make logical sense out of how I could not know whether I'd live or die, but know that I'd face the rehab of a brain damaged person. Once again, it was in feeling, not logic, but images were also embedded in this process. As I was in hospital & rehab, I'd often have deja-vu, & feelings like I'd met a certain nurse, doctor or therapist before, or remember the activity I was doing.

    In these timeless moments that happened within the short trip from Holly's house to the emergency room, I foresaw a situation that would result from the pain in my head, if I were to survive it at all, which would have different degrees of severity... I saw the possibility of a spectrum in which I would not know who I was anymore, to paralyzation, to blindness.. It was like I could see all these possibilities before me at once, did not know which was going to occur, but that one of them definitely would.

    As you can see, it's hard to describe. It's still hard to think about. Again, it was in feeling, not in a normal conscious state that relates to anything I've ever experienced before. Words don't quite do it justice, or I'm just not a good enough writer to verbalize it.

    The most memorable feeling within these moments of 'feeling-non-being', was coming to a place of such a peaceful presence, that I can't describe it without using theological terminology.

    I've run through the sequence of these events many times now. As I mentioned earlier, as soon as my body somehow knew it was in the possible situation of no longer being capable of being animated by the life force, I began, automatically to pray.

    You know how firemen or Marines say that when they're in a firefight, they stop thinking & their training takes over? Well this was like that. Prayer flowed through me like I'd prayed everyday of my life (I hadn't).. . I didn't say it, I felt it. They weren't words, they were experiences..

That's when what I will call the crack between the worlds opened, & whatever veil it is that keeps our human, egocentric consciousness from knowing that it is not separate from all life in the universe, parted.

q With the disintegration of this veil, I entered a feeling of peace, that I will try to describe. Peace permeated the all of everything that was there, that I had ever known or experienced. It was, I was, we were,we are all connected there..

    Peace was the modus-operandi of this world I briefly; (well, briefly seems meaningless because time did not seem to function there)... "(there" seems another erroneous, word, for how can there be a there when it seemed that this was something that is currently in & all around us & permeating throughout everything & everywhere simultaneously.. All somehow within our reach..

When my conscious mind bubbled up again, I suppose in an effort to seek the survival of the body it was connected to, well that's when this steady state, this universal presence of peace - consciousness became disrupted & I was "clicked" back into the physical & mental pain of my body, which I was soon forced out of again by the intense pain.

    There really isn't anything else I've ever come across to describe the presence I was brought into when the pain of my body became to unbearable. "Prince of peace" keeps coming to mind when I remember the feeling of this experience. This peace was experienced as a steady state of rest, joy, solitude & love that encompassed all of me & everything that I had, or ever would experience in all physical & mental realms. You can't imagine the joy & I can't describe it outside of prose. I felt an approach of this peace as if I was the epicenter of an infinite sphere where not an image, but a feeling of red carpets unfurled toward me from the totality of it's "sphereCumference" to carry its approach. I didn't see this.. I felt it & I'm grasping for metaphors to relay it to you. I accepted the peace & left my body of pain back in a hilly garden of strange trees & a darkly colored ground cover. I am less sure of what happened here. I have the feeling of taking a hand.

These feelings were not only in a psychological sense.. They were also in an atomic, physical sense. It was as if the natural state of space, time & matter flows from a steady-state of unadulterated peace. All of these 'things, thoughts & places that I must use many words to describe were not permeated as separate entities however, because they were (and are) somehow simultaneously, all ONE, because they flow from a singularity. And I feel that it was either just then or as a culmanation of all that was happening then, or has happened since, or that is happening now as a result of the sum total of my life, that I beheld or behold the presence of the singularity, the source, the light of all.

The image of this feeling that I have since become aware of is what I call the "CenterSphere"... This is the centrifuge point at the epicenter of the sphere. It is both the alpha & omega point where light & life concentrates & emanates.

This is a sphere of pure white light expanding in all directions as it simultaneously collapses inwards towards a either an infinity or omega point where it may fold its totality into a new dimension of inner peace & outward in the light's manifestations of of peace.

† Visualize a silver sphere filling with pure white light at the point of it's epicenter. the point simultaneously radiates this light in all the directions of it's "spherecumference" as it is filled with light flowing into it from all the directions of it's "spherecumference". Light emanates out to expand the sphere as it flows in at the same time. The sphere at once expands as light whildst absorbing the light that lets it shine. Growth is infinitely inward & out ward at the same time & always growing in intensity.Space, time & matter appear to go simultaneously inward to the smallest point & outward to the farthest reaches of space. Everything that is, ever was or ever will be seemed to be trying to appear for me within the sphere. All things were competing for my attention there.

T his was the image of the active moment of peace forming the universe of material & consciousness & all the activities that go with them. I'm looking for a 3-d computer graphics animator who can help me produce this imagery.

   However, it was at this moment of profound peace that I was "turned" away to see earth as from deep space and beheld it as it's image changed from that of the blue-green planet we know to a dead, gray moon-like ashen shadow of itself. Then I saw another image of earth that was more blue, more green, more alive than before. The message I felt I was receiving was that one of these two things was about to happen and that I was going back there and would live to see which choice humans would make.

   From these experiences I have come to surmise that peace is the natural, steady - state of pure consciousness that our human mind constantly disrupts as it stomps around on this terra-firma doing it's various biological entity survival activities. I'm sure there's more to it than that, so I guess I'll be back to add to this page in the future as I go about contemplating this experience . I've always contemplated such questions anyway, so this just adds to it. You can read more about the seeker that I've always been on 'the web site I took back from beyond the grave'...

I suppose many a poet has gone mad trying to do justice to this presence. I think Walt Whitman, William Blake & Wordsworth got very close at times.

    The closest feelings in this world that I can relate some of these memories to are remnants of childhood memories. The overall feeling was like that of childhood innocence, or even the feelings you might get as an adult when you observe a child at play. Try to think of your most magical memories. Like believing in Santa Claus, or waking up on Christmas morning as a child, or your first good kiss with the magic girl, or seeing your first shooting star. Now multiply them by a ga-zillion. You can't imagine the joy, but you can taste it's threshold. It reminds me a bit of when I used to surf. When you feel you're about to catch a wave, a swell comes up under your board & you begin to rise on it, then your in the grasp & you can get the slide down the face, and if you're lucky, get in the curl, then you look up & you're tubed, barreled,... Green room!

    I guess I've been lucky. There was one other experience in my life that had a very similar feeling of connection to the totality of the unity of the all of the life force in the universe. It was as a child. You can read of that experience on my new web site, by clicking here. It all fits together now. That experience, this brain blow-up thing, & everything I'm doing & have done with my life, makes sense, & fits together like a giant jig-saw, cross-word, rubix cube puzzle. Selah..

I can also say with newfound surety, that the presence & force of peace is here... Right now... We just have not yet brought ourselves out of the world we are currently choosing to experience, We have yet to place ourselves within the commonwealth that is afforded by the peace force. I do, still, now, fully know, that this realm is available to all of us, even while we are in this life, on this earth. I do not know how to get back there with my will, but knowing that it is a possibility is what I want to share. Maybe we will figure out the rest together. Maybe that is what we are meant to do here.

 ‹   May the force be with you, & may you know that there is a force & a world beyond this & may you turn toward it & seek from it. Seek. Catch life's wave. You are not here to just consume, fill your appetites, be entertained & cry when you don't get what you want. Everything you do either adds to or subtracts from a life force you did not create, nor can you, or any other person re-create. Show some respect.. Show some thanks. Honor creation by taking the time to inquire about it, then create! Don't just be a taker, add to life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness.. Long may you run.

    Ironically, I had thoughts of suicide as I tried to come to terms with being half blind, epileptic, at least partly dependent on drugs & others for the rest of my life.. Thoughts of suicide also stemmed from the feeling of missing my ride off off this troubled planet.. I was even briefly mad at Holly for dragging me into that car.

    I've realized that these thoughts are from another force that opposes the force of peace & light I witnessed. I've since beat back suicidal thoughts by coming to the knowledge that this body & this consciousness that I've, for this lifetime, assumed as mine, was not created by me, therefore, what right do I have to destroy it? That is why suicide is murder. It is the ego judging of its own accord that it may be the final judge, jury & executioner. We did not create this body or the forces that animate it, therefore to take it is murder. So I decided to go on, & here I am, for whatever time is left for me. I oppose the force that is trying to stop me by continuing to follow the "environMENTAL" mission that was uploaded into me during my N.D.E.

    I've wished at times that I did not come back, but had stayed within that steady state of peace. Did I miss my ride out of here B-4 the humans really drag this perfectly good planet further into the downward spiral of the bio-accumulation vortex we have set in motion in the feeding frenzy of nefarious desires? Again, it is not for me to judge.. It is just for me to live. We will see what happens next.
Peace be unto you. In Love

∞-ly, - E